I'm So Stupid

I almost called my mother to tell her what I am about to write, but I’m too ashamed to do that, so I must find relief in this blog. Hopefully I will soon be deleting this.  

About three hours ago my boyfriend, Chris, came over. Chris and I have been dating close to two months and today was our first Valentine’s Day together. I made us a heart-shaped pizza for dinner. Chris brought over gifts for me in a Valentine’s Day gift bag. While the pizza cooked, and with Chris sitting beside me on my sofa, I opened the bag and began sorting through the gifts. The bag contained a red, scented candle in a heart-shaped holder. There was a small, red teddy bear. Along the bottom of the bag were Hershey Kisses in red wrappers. And sticking up out of the bag was a beautiful red rose. There was a card attached to the outside of the bag, attached with a paper clip. I don’t remember what the card originally said, but Chris had written in it exactly this: I never felt complete until I met this incredable woman named Heather. That I do remember.

I thought everything was very lovely. I especially liked the card. Immediately afterwards I kissed Chris on the cheek and told him I adored everything. I then asked him where the envelope was for the card. I told him that I especially wanted to save the card, and I really should have it in an envelope. There had been no envelope, just a card attached to the bag. Chris sort of chuckled and said that he had put the bag together just before coming over, and it wasn’t until then that he realized that the envelope that he had gotten along with the card was too small. He had apparently picked up an envelope for a smaller card.

I told him that it really would have been nice to have the envelope. Chris just shrugged and said he was sorry. For some unknown reason I just kept looking at the card, as if it were some ordinary piece of colored paper. I then asked Chris, in a rather annoyed tone, how he could possible buy a card and get the wrong envelope. I think it was then that Chris’s smile left his face and he said in a rather firm manner that he was sorry, but I would survive just fine without the envelope. Of course I would not let it rest. Frustrated and in a hostile tone of voice, I mumbled, “It is just too bad that you would spend money on a card but not be able to get the right envelope to go with it.”

I think it was right then that Chris ripped up the card. He just snatched it out of my hand and as he tore it up, he said something like, “Now you don’t have to worry about the envelope.”

I was suddenly very angry. I shouted at Chris that it figured that he would not buy the right sized envelope; after all, he wasn’t even smart enough to spell “incredible” correctly.

Chris fell silent. He just stared at me for a few seconds, then got up off the sofa, grabbed his coat, and hurried out the door.

For a few minutes I remained angry. Then as I stared at the Valentine gifts Chris had given me, I began thinking through what had just taken place. I especially thought about the last words I had said. Chris has told me several times that he had never been good in school, and more than anything else, that bothered him. The cruel words I had muttered at him were said specifically because I knew they would hurt him. And it was all because he had accidentally picked up the wrong-sized envelope.

As I sit here alone on Valentine’s Day and cry over my awful bitchiness, I wonder if Chris is thinking that he has not only finally seen the real Heather, but he wants nothing to do with her. I am so stupid.