I did not eat lunch today. Instead I stayed at my desk at
work, wrote Chris an email, and then just to steady myself, composed this blog
entry. A few minutes ago I finally got the courage to both send the email, and
then published this post to my goofy blog.
In the email I told Chris that despite my efforts, I have
not heard from him in two weeks and I now consider our relationship to be over. As I have
done in all of my emails to him, I told him that I am sorry for that dreadful thing I said on Valentine's Day. In
today’s email I stated that I consider the loss of our relationship to be 100%
my fault. I then said that until I am in another romantic relationship, I would
welcome us getting back together.
Anyway, that’s what I wrote to him. I guess the proverbial
door hasn’t closed on Chris; it’s more like in the process of closing. Much to
my amazement, I did not cry as I wrote the email. I’m at work where I do not
cry as readily over stuff, but as a couple of coworkers will attest, on
occasion I have still cried. As I have said several times throughout this idiotic blog, I am a big crybaby. But I don’t know, maybe this time I’m all cried-out.
As I often do, I went outside last night into the darkness
for a short time just to feel the icy darkness around me. There are railroad
tracks several blocks away, and as I was out I heard a train’s horn
and the rumble of freight cars on the tracks. For a minute or so the reverberation of
the train grew louder. Then for another few minutes the sound slowly faded away.
I thought to myself that the sound of the train disappearing into the distance
symbolized the ending of the relationship Chris and I had. The notion came to
me in a moment of silliness, but there was just too much truth in it for me to
be amused.
I had two wonderful months with a great guy, two months that
ended a couple of weeks ago. That is two months of joy, friendship,
and intimacy that I treasured, and was lucky to experience. That’s how I’m planning
to remember Chris, and our too short time together.
This was a great approach Heather! After my last post to you, I spoke to a good friend of mine about your situation and she made a great point, that sometimes the people we are dating don't always see how we feel about them even when we are trying to convey the same things you do here in your blog, perhaps here you are more honest with yourself than you are to him.
ReplyDeleteI felt like it was very important for you to fall on the proverbial sword, and to also essentially let him know that you have tried and continue to do so, but at some point need to move on if he isn't at least going to respect you enough with a response! This gives him the opportunity to recognize you are looking for forgiveness and you really are sorry but you are not going to grovel forever if he isn't going to make any effort!
Communication is a wonderful thing and a requirement for any relationship to succeed, be that friendship or more! But while communication on your part definitely was a short coming on V Day, it clearly hasn't been his calling either. If he genuinely cared about you, no matter how hurt he was by what happened, I think at the very least he owed you the courtesy to tell you face to face that he couldn't forgive you or it has to end and he is moving on. But to just ignore you and hope you would just go away, is no better than just pretending there isn't an issue in the first place, like his father recommended. Like father, like son, one might guess. =)
Heather what you deserve is a partner in life, not someone who will just give up at the first curve ball life throws your way! Like I said before, life always throws curve balls our way and it's our responsibility to adjust and hit the ball out of the park! We occasionally hear things from our significant others that sometimes hurt, but the true test of a relationship is not when things are going great, but when they are difficult. And a guy who genuinely cares for you will shower you more with respect than just a gift bag full of V day gifts. If he really cared as he claimed, he would be attempting to work through this with you with forgiveness!
As ee Cummings said, "one is not half of two, it's two halves of one!" It's a statement that, to me, reflects a certain balance and harmony in the give and take of a relationship.
I firmly believe this is what you need to find in your next relationship, someone who will really value a deep relationships that you can completely let go, be yourself, be vulnerable, feel safe, and enjoy life with and know when you say something hurtful that you clearly didn't mean, won't just toss you aside like yesterday's garbage.
I believe in love-relationships, your partner should always be or become your best friend as well, and one who does will have thick skin and when you say things you don't mean, they will be strong enough to work through it with you because he see's the bigger picture with you and knows what you say is more out of frustration than genuine intentions to hurt.
There are plenty of attractive, fitness minded, good guys out there who don't have an agenda who really want that best friendship with you who can communicate! { We just hide in the shadows =) ]
Hope this finds you well! Glad you had a good day out shopping with your friend and are starting to feel a little better emotionally!
David