For about two months I dated this guy named Chris. He was a
very nice guy. I liked him a lot. In fact, I liked him an awful lot. I still
do. On Valentine’s Day I got angry for the most idiotic reason and basically
told Chris that he was stupid. By calling him stupid I proved two things; that
I am a cruel bitch, and that it at least appears that I consider Chris to be
dumb, which is the one thing he deplores. I wrote all about this in my last blog entry.
Since that horrible day I have tried to call Chris, and I have emailed him many times. Of course I have told him that I am very sorry and that I did not mean what I said. I’ve also asked him to meet me at specific places, and I have pleaded with him to just come over. I thought he might call this past Thursday because it had been a week since we had last seen each other, and I was a little bit optimistic that he wanted to give it a week to see how he felt about things. But of course he did not call. I would have gone over to his apartment days ago to see him face to face but I don’t know if it would do me any good, and besides, I’m a little too scared to confront him when he apparently doesn’t want to see me.
I first met Chris through his father, Marty, who works at
the car dealership where I work. I have spoken to him about Chris. I told Marty
the ugly things I said to Chris. He said that his son is pretty sensitive about
such things. Marty told me that Chris was always big for his age, and he was
never good at school work. That made Chris a target for teasing and taunting
almost all the way through school, and those old wounds have never completely
healed. Chris told me that he was never a good student in school and that he
did not like to be thought of as unintelligent, but he never told me that he
had been taunted as a kid.
I actually understand why he would not want to see me. Given
what I said to him, it is as though I equate him to stupidity, and to Chris,
that is intolerable. I am just one more of those cruel, thoughtless kids; at
least I appear that way to Chris. There is no undoing what I said.
Chris’s father suggested I give his son another few days and
if I did not hear anything, maybe it best if I move on. I do not want to give
up hope, but perhaps I should face reality.
Heather,
ReplyDeleteChris is obviously doing what he knows will hurt you in return by doing the one thing he knows and that's recoiling to a place where he doesn't have to share his feelings. But I would like to think he genuinely cares for you, but likely is a bit sensitive like his father said. Honestly the worst advice anyone can give you is to just ignore the problem and hope it gets better. I sincerely believe he knows how precious you are to him, and that you didn't genuinely mean the things you said, God knows we all say things we regret, and in most cases when we are angry we say them because we know they will push our partners buttons.
I would highly recommend writing him an email, really fall on the sword and tell him you are sorry, and let him know that you miss not only him as your boyfriend, but the best friendship and companionship the 2 of you shared. I know it will likely be emotional and a bit hard to do, but I firmly believe communicating is your best option. Reinforce your feelings for him, and that you over reacted and genuinely care for him, and miss that closeness. I would express your desire to at least have the opportunity to earn back his trust and respect. If nothing else Heather, you will have the peace of mind you left nothing unstated and you gave your all until the very end. If he chooses to move on without you, at least you will feel better you tried your very best to console him and make things better. But doing nothing and just waiting is not fixing anything, I think he will only think you don't care enough to do anything about it.
Again I hope this works out for you 2, everything I have read about you shows you to be quite an amazing person.
I appreciate your comment. As I said in my post, I have written Chris many times in emails. I have said that I miss him and want nothing more than to see him again. I have told him I feel terrible for what I said and that I did not mean it. I have called him too but he has not responded to any of my attempts either calling or email. I do not have the courage to go to his apartment. I don't think I could stand what might happen. So I probably won't be doing that.
ReplyDeleteLike I've said before, I really do understand his reaction. My words to him were a little like word-association. It was as though I looked at Chris, and my word-association response was "stupid". I have said some dumb and unkind things in my life that I regret saying, but none I regret more than those last words I spoke to Chris.